My friend Kevin went on a first date last night with a man he met on The Onion personals (the same service I use). He had thought the fellow was a very well preserved 35 based on his picture. But, the picture was taken eight years and forty pounds ago. Another friend, CK, went on a date with a fellow who claimed he was 5’11" and turned out to be just an inch or two taller than her.
Lying on online personals is pervasive, but it brings up the question of incentives and cultural norms. Kevin, CK and I both tell the truth in our online ads. I’m not the tallest guy, I’m scrawny, and that’s there in the profile. Neither Kevin nor CK can claim to be athletic or slim/toned. But here’s the thing: everyone else does lie.
So what do you do?
Kevin asked "Why lie, when it’s just going to come out in the end? You
don’t want your date to be let down or disappointed in the real you."
Then it
occured to me: the fellow he went on a date with was probably expecting
that Kevin would lie about something as well. There wouldn’t be
disappointment, because not only had both parties lied, but they had both factored in that their date had lied about something as well. Maybe both parties would be
happy with the reality.
So in a sub-culture where lying is the norm, what is the incentive
to tell the truth? Women in the United States desire men who are 5’11"
or taller, so men lie about their height to attract their attention.
Eventually, word gets out, and, because I am assumed to be lying, women
subtract three or four inches from my reported height. So I go from an
average height of 5’8" to a very short 5’5" or 5’4".
Likewise with body weight. I have learned that "average" means a bit
overweight, "athletic" means average, and "slim/petite" refers to the clothing size about half the time, not to actual body weight. While I would be quite happy with a true
"average," that is, not perfect (just like me) but in decent shape, I can’t believe the
self-descriptions that I see. So I downgrade every ad, when there are
surely women, like CK, who tell the truth and with whom I would be
perfectly happy.
Should I lie? Should Kevin? Should CK? Likewise, how do I convince others that my stats are true, when the rest lie?